Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
A bold strategy
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
giddy up Office Depot