@CM2BTTHD

Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.

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@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@Douchekevin

When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

@murrman5

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

@BadMikeyBad

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

@simoncholland

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter