Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.
You Might Also Like
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter