@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

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@vivalamoi448

4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@Playing_Dad

Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course

@supershayne

I’m so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I’d be like “Haha yeah man that’s my card good job.”

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@dumbbeezie

Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now

Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.

@mrtruthandsoul

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

@michaelianblack

All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.