4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know
Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’m so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I’d be like “Haha yeah man that’s my card good job.”
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now
Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.