Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*weighs self after shaving
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?