Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Cat.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?