@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

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@Lazer_Cat_

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

@Jake_Vig

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

@8bitf0x

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.

@TheAlexNevil

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

@evildadatron

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan