Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.