co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.