does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?
Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant
B: what drugs are you on?
Me: good ones
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.