It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*