@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

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@Cheeseboy22

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@JonBaker

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@GrantTanaka

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

@KateWhineHall

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

@dog_feelings

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*