I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.