Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.