If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
*8 months later*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like