Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The Struggle
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.