“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.