Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
love it when they get my name right
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around