I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
This made me smile…
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.