@TEXASVETERAN

Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

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@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@RuinMyWeek

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

@bestestname

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

@TheFemKilljoy

The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.

@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@UncleDuke1969

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

@cajones113

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.