I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!
Me: Because my desk is too heavy.
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.