Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that


I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”


The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.


I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.


If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.


passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED


If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.