Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
s
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*