Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches