My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that