Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Two types of dogs.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.