I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno