this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence