COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
craving $300 all of a sudden
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas