In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle
Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now