billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead