@dadmann_walking

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

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@jazmasta

*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@mommajessiec

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

@dave_cactus

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

@TheHyyyype

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@egg_dog

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@Liam26x

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

@ReticentTurnip

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now