@dadmann_walking

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

You Might Also Like

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

@imskytrash

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

@SalimAliAhmad

Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

@tastefactory

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

@Megatronic13

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead