If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.