coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

You Might Also Like


billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u


But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.


Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?


barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach


I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit


In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.


Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?


INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]


*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?


My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead