COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.