Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I am crying
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
sin harder.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
i really liked this one
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight