@Brampersandon_

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

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@Mikecanrant

melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@MomOnFire

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@okcallmejay

Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job

@Browtweaten

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

@SexySillyGrl

You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox.

Samesies?

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?