Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

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me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her


Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
M: I know. They were organized.


She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well


STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?