*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
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Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
lmfao
Why are bridges so flammable.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.