Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.