Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

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I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.


Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die


Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.


I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.


CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.


Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*


Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.


him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?


Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.


Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.