I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS
Me: Ok I-
CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: I made you a playlist…
Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!
Me: It only has songs about food.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.