@IamJackBoot

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

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@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

@MariyaAlexander

Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die

@ilovepie84

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@kcmoore51

Me: I made you a playlist…

Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!

Me: It only has songs about food.

@Gupton68

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@s8n

Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.