.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?