Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
is this store having a stroke wtf
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings