*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
You Might Also Like
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me trying to reach for my goals
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG