[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
What kind of a cult is this?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
How to woo a woman
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.