[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
#catsoftwitter
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.