@pattymo

*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

@dafloydsta

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

@WilliamAder

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

@Divergentmama

Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@cbme69

[Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.

@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?