[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
You Might Also Like
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
how to market bottled water to dads
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position