DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down