[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Good Morning.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”