[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo