Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
When your man makes a valid point
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.