ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave
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Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe
*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*
*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”