@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

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@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@SteveSuckington

Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@brianbowman73

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

@DaddyJew

Oatmeal cookies always be the last ones in a variety pack looking up at you like “how badly do you want a cookie?”

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young

@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN