Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”


If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.


Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?


I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.


Oatmeal cookies always be the last ones in a variety pack looking up at you like “how badly do you want a cookie?”


ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young


People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole


[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN