Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

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Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.


I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.


Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser


You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.


*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*


Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head


Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”