Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?
Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao