@DothTheDoth

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

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@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@mattewe02

I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”

@Rollinintheseat

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@dadmann_walking

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@daemonic3

[helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect

@UncleDuke1969

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.