Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

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Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)


I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”


Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”


What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.


My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.


Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…


[helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect


[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.