Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

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Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?



I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.


If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”


Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop



I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”


Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.


*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao