[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
What if the weather talks about us?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME