[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.


5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar


I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.


me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register


I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast


[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]

“Son, when-”

*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*

“Know what, we’re good”


Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace


*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”


If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!