Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
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5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar
Software Development ⛵️
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
me: will i be arrested
me: empty the register
I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*walks in on home intruder
“omg please don’t look at the dust!”
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!