[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
<—- homeless romantic
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Did my cat write this
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches