@Abusitron

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

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@KissabiX

[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
BEE
AY
EN
AY
EN
AY
ESS!

[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
PEE
AY
JAY
AY
EM
AY
ESS

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

@ShanaRose21

69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

@SortaBad

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

@EJGomez

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@dubsteppenwolf

every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”