[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Sell your car
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away