[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”
*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”