@Abusitron

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

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@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.

Boss….

Me: Write that shit down.

@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

@squirrel74wkgn

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

@shkeeber

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@trumpetcake

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

@MartaEffing

[Puzzle Group Therapy]

Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*

@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store