Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.