me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Cause of death: Zumba
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Kids we are running late let’s go!
*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.