@Hormonella

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

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@RunOldMan

Kids throw a toy at you and hit you on the head and think it’s hilarious, but if you do it back they’ll start screaming at the top of their lungs.

@Yung__Naan

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

@hippieswordfish

[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@bobvulfov

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted