Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?