Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

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Kids throw a toy at you and hit you on the head and think it’s hilarious, but if you do it back they’ll start screaming at the top of their lungs.


So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk


ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.


[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*


Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES


flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator


When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted