Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

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me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk


People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.


Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*


? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?


The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?


Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS


‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’



Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.