Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
You Might Also Like
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
A double negative is a big no-no.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3