Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”