@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

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@thepunningman

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

@professor_eks

If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.

@TitusNation

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

@Parkerlawyer

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

After many years I’ve realized I’m allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places.
Places I have no idea how to get home from.

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

@pajaritosimpson

[stalking ex by hot air balloon]

*accidentally drops sandbag through their roof* ope

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that