@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

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@ibid78

[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

@ThePocketJustin

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@_Tempo11

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@david8hughes

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@amishschool

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *