Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

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[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect


Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.



Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.

Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?

Me:*mouth full* abfter viss


-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.


In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.


ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.


me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”


My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.


Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.


I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.