An alarm clock that releases the scent of bacon.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *