Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out