Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
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secret recipe
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient