@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

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@DirtMcTurd

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

@LizHackett

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

@noonanjo

Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”

@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.

@daemonic3

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

@sophiekeen

The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

@Brampersandon_

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No