Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Never forget.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now